$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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