it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
