This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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