I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
