I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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