I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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