What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
