i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
