I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
