I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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