Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
