Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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