Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
