I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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