If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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