Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
