hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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