im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
