I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
