I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Welp...herpes.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
