remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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