He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
