You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
