I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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