I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I supernannyed him into submission
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
