Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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