Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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