woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
