Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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