Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
