Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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