Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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