i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
