turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
