Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
