oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
