Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Rumble strips road head = magical
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
