I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
