Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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