I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
