I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
