I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
