You can't special order awesome
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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