I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
