I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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