i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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