I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
