Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
