WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize