Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
