I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
