why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You are a genius and a whore.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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